I fully know that people that we love cannot live forever. They will age and they will pass away. But, it never comes across my mind that mom had to go so soon. I thought I will see both of my parents at my wedding, smiling, with a little tears flowing through their cheeks when they see their son finding his soulmate. I thought I will see both of my parents fight each other to hold my newborn. I thought I will see both of my parents play around with my child. I dreamed those moments.
I have spent the last 11 years overseas, far away from my mother’s side. Every time I called home, she complained about the voice quality in the end and asked me to hang up. Every time I called home, she always had a way to ease my worry, to calm my mind with just her voice. Every time I visit home, she always cooked my favourite meal. Every time I visit home, she always joked and laughed with me. I missed those moments.
Of course, there are regrets that lingering around. I should have called home more often when she’s still alive. I should have cleaned her fridge during my last visit, which I just did today but she couldn’t see how clean it is anymore. I should have extended my visa when she told me to, so I could fly back to Indonesia as soon as she got admitted into the hospital. I thought those things.
There are also a lot of “what if” questions in my head. What if I came back sooner? What if she got transferred to a bigger hospital? What if she got enough rest on the day she got released from ICU? What if she didn’t get infused with sedative? Will she be able to see me? Will she be able to talk to me? Will she be able to joke and laugh with me? I questioned those questions.
However, life must go on. Of course, she will like me to move on. Nothing that I can do now that can bring her back to life. There is no need to point fingers and there is no need to question myself or others. Leaving all the regrets and questions behind. Keeping all the precious moments with mom in my heart. Moving on with my head held high, knowing that she will watch over me from Heaven. I will remember her.
In everything, I trust God and thank God for giving me her as my mother. She was caring, always thought about others above herself. She was playful, always knew how to tease you and made you laugh. She was chatty, always loved to talk even when she just got released from ICU. She was warm and loving. I will miss her.
In loving memory, Mom, the woman that loved me without fail in the entire of my life. I love you always.